just one more

Last one. I promise. And this is just a little briefing of why I am closing down this blog. I've been writing and re-writing this for a couple of days now, and I figure I might as well just post something because, really when it comes down to it, this won't change anything or make any difference to what has happened or to what could happen. Like I said a couple of months ago, I've dropped the rope and it's no longer in my hands.

The primary reason I've decided to stop posting here is because it became very clear to me - again - exactly who has been reading this blog. Still. And by saying I know exactly who has been reading means that I know everyone who has read it. Everyone. I'm not an idiot, and it doesn't take much for me to put two and two together. In fact, I came to the realization the other day that someone reading this has led to consequences that have completely and utterly violated my privacy, my trust, my love, and my friendship. And in the worst way possible.

What I really want to know is why? Just why? What are you getting out of this? Out of reading here? Power? Control? Nostalgia? Concern? God knows it can't be for the details of my mundane day to day routine. So what is it? More than likely, it's a little bit of everything I just mentioned. But to be honest, I think it's because he just can't let go. I think he never meant for any of this to happen, any of it.

My question to him would be, why? And why did you have to violate my privacy? Do you think that's fair? Do you think I would ever have hurt you as much as you've hurt me over the past few years? Look at this, we're not even talking anymore, and you've still managed to hurt me. You know, if you really wanted to waste your time reading here and spying on me instead of picking up the phone to find out how I'm really doing, that's fine. It's your loss, and it always has been your loss. But to take it to the level you did and to let what you let happen is un-fucking-acceptable. Do you get it? Do you even fucking understand? I will not be reduced to a conversation piece between you and anyone else - you do not deserve to talk about me like this. You betrayed me, betrayed my privacy, betrayed my love, betrayed my friendship. Wow. I mean, just wow. To think that someone I loved so much would let this happen leaves me sick to my stomach, like I've been punched in the gut, just wind-knocked-out-cold. Just a complete violation of my privacy and any relationship we ever had.


Well, thanks for continuing to spy on me here despite previously denying it. So, basically, the bottom line is that you are too afraid and immature to write or phone me (or even simply to apologize for your completely disgusting behaviour of kicking me out of your car and lying to and blaming me that last night), so you decided to take the easy way out and read all about me here. That's nothing new - I've come to learn that with you, it's always the easy way out, isn't it? Well, at least you're not checking two or three times a day like you used to. That's a step up, right? All I know is that if you don't have the courage to speak to me directly to see how I am, then you have no place learning about me this way.


OK, now that the anger is out of the way, the fact of the matter is that I don't think he ever could let go. I think that's why we went through that whole mixed signals phase, why all of that happened for so long. What I think happened was that he needed to break away from me and go out on his own because he had never had that opportunity, because he had never had the chance to be unaccountable. I understand that, really I do, and I tried to support him through that. But at the same time, I don't think he really wanted to let me go. He couldn't. Nor did he want to. It's not an easy situation. I know I didn't want to let go of him. Actually, I think he was really afraid to lose me. But he was also afraid of many other things, to take a chance, to face up to the choices he had made. And it got to the point of him stringing me along for so long and hurting me so consistently, that I couldn't deal with it anymore. Maybe I'm just not strong enough of a person. Yes, maybe I did hope that someday things would work out between us, and I admit to that, but I also made a promise that I would treat him as a friend and expect nothing of him. And I am proud to say that I kept that promise.

But things changed after we had that fight in November. I guess he thought I was telling him to stop his behaviour because I had moved on. I think he realized how much he had messed things up, and instead of attempting to right things, he gave in to fear and shame. Maybe he figured he had burned too many bridges, destroyed too many things. That's when he began to stop making an effort with me. I think it bothered him to think that I was moving on. I don't think he was able to deal with that. But you know what? Deep down inside, I think he regrets everything. I really do. Despite what he might say, to himself or to anyone else, I think he regrets losing me, and I also think that he's been trying to fill my void this whole time.


But to cut this short (since I'm really rambling), none of his confusion or fear excuses the way he's treated me. Instead of ever confronting things head on, he ran, he avoided, he lashed out, he blamed me, he evaded all responsibility because he was embarrassed and afraid. Case in point: the last time we saw each other. I have a hard time being angry at him because I know our situation is a very difficult and confusing one - trust me, I know. But I'm upset that he spies on me without being man enough to just contact me directly. Just, why? And I am exceptionally hurt and betrayed that he let what happen with my blog happen.


Despite it all, despite everything, I still love him. And as dumb as it might seem to most, my door will always be open to him, and I would still do anything for him. But, there's nothing more I can do. I did my best, and I hope he knows that. I know he still cares and loves me. I do, too.

Maybe we will meet again someday. Until then, I wish you the best, and I love you.

one more...

There's one more post coming. Under construction at the moment.
I want to explain why I'm closing this down.

ta ta

Ok. I can't take any more chances here. My old blog is safely tucked away for memory's sake, but never to be seen again by the virtual public. I'll continue blogging. Not here, but I'm going to set up a new and private blog. If anyone would like the address, just email me. If you'd otherwise like to contact me, you know where to find me. If not, enjoy life without yours truly.

Thanks for reading. You've been a great blogging audience.

Ta ta.